Day 3 Driven

The third day of this 40 day journey asks us to question what our lives are driven by. Some are driven by money and possessions, some by guilt, some from the need for approval, far or anger and resentment. All of which are negative. As usual the chapter ends with a reflection question, what would others say my life is driven by and what do I want it to be? The answer to this question came to me very easily. My life has been driven by 2 things, my own high expectations and spite.
The fact that my life has been driven by my own expectations is obvious. I have a plan and goals for my life, therefore I work towards those goals, regardless of how far fetched they may be. This is for my own personal satisfaction. However being driven by spite is another story. When I say that I’m driven by spite, I don’t mean that I do things just to hurt people. When someone tells me I can’t do something, I do it in spite of them. I am no longer solely driven by my goals but by negative reactions to those goals.
In the beginning of my senior year of high school, it was time to apply to colleges. Prior to doing so, all students are required to go to guidance counselors to discuss their decisions. When I told my guidance counselor, that a certain school was one of my options, he told me that I would never get in. I applied anyway. I not only got in, but went to that college graduated, and was accepted into grad school. A week after I graduated from college, I went back to that guidance counselor and threw my degree in his face. While he did not remember telling me this, he said he was glad I came back to prove him wrong.
Fact is some people are motivated when they’re praised and falter when they negativity comes their way. I use negative reactions as motivation. The problem with this tactic is that sometimes it becomes more about proving the other person wrong than about achieving your goal in the first place. Being driven by goals is perfectly normal, I just need to remind myself that in the end its not about the other person, its about what I planned to accomplish and making sure it gets done for myself.
While I’m not sure what my purpose is yet I know it will not revolve around other people, their reactions or even my own wants but what God has decided for me. Until then……..